Oh this is my fault

When I saw the two pink lines I instantly thanked God and asked for a girl. I’ve always wanted to be a mom.

I was willing and ready to make the necessary changes to be a “good mother” and “good example“ to my baby girl too. I ate well, worked out, went to church and played good music for that baby in utero.

I called myself saying intentions for her, asking for her ancestors to be with and guide her. I called myself being mindful of the things I exposed her to. And for a while I was mindful, until one day..

Okay y’all. Soooo. Ima go ahead and head out.

Me trying to find a way to spin this on Tavien.

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

This is the text I got from my babysitter, the DAY after I saw her tell her twin cousins “f no” with a pointed finger (in her Cancerian defense it’s two of them and they’re Sags, jk this isnt funny AT ALL, I’m laughing to stop from crying).

An actual GIF of Ms. Trying to be a good Mom Failing 🤣

So shocked not so much, more like appalled. And a lot of embarrassment felt here. I flashed back to my mom finding me cursing out my cousin 🤦🏾‍♀️Or the time my neighbors waited until my parents came home and told I was “saying bad words”. Hell I actually flashed back to two weeks ago when my girl quickly said “I’m taking you off speaker my moms in the car.” 🙃

Apparently I’m not $hit. Ren’s use of colorful language made me realize that.

Okay I won’t be dramatic and say that but seriously I have some 💩 I’ve BEEN needing to get together.

I’m supposed to prepare her for success not mess

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For two days, in shame, I sulked and cried about that text. Well it wasn’t just that moment that I was crying for, it was more so that I fear Ren is everything that I am.

In pregnancy I told my big sister I prayed for her to be graceful and peaceful and Nee said she’ll do what she sees. Does that mean she’ll never be graceful because her mom isn’t?

Feminist Hat Kroger Feminist Like Mom Shirt Old Navy

Anyone that knows us will tell you that huge energy she’s working with is straight from mama. She is fearless and I love her for that. She is a sunbeam. But she does remind me of myself, and some insecurities regarding my personality I haven’t fully dealt with.

After talking with my cousin I realized that being spirited doesn’t make me a bad mom or set her up for failure. I did set a (couple) bad examples for her in terms of communication but I can grow from that. And that’s something I already try to teach her- forget shame, you can grow with time. The Lord we serve isn’t interested in you feeling shamed, he wants you to change!

Holy muffins- It just took me 30 minutes to realize I was putting my own insecurities on her!!!

This moment right here, this feeling is why I love being a mother. Seeing yourself in your child, without the rose colored glasses, without any lies that you’ve convinced yourself, gives you grace and space to make important changes for the better!

Looks like I’ve got some work to do guys.

Feel free to message me if this is something you can relate to. If you have any wisdom or advice gon head and message me I need it. 🥰As always you can catch the latest happenings here on ZullyMaMa on Wix, on Instagram @RaisingRen and on Facebook as Zuri Risper.

Xoxo,

Zu